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Aug. 12, 1999 4:00pm
Oh, I feel like I'm going to hurl.
I'm on the shuttle to the BART to the Mission to the queer youth
health clinic where at 5:20 I have an appointment to explain my gender
identity. It's a big emotional deal even if they understand and work with
me to do everything I want, but what's an even bigger deal is dealing with
my fear that they'll dump and burn me like other doctors have done. I'm
running out of clinics here.
I've been pretty freaked out about doctors ever since I went to the
Tom Waddell Transgender Clinic some twenty months ago, poured my soul out
tot hem, and was told I was just confused because I wasn't tranny enough
for them. Their rejection of me for being multigendered instead of a
regular FTM made me question myself deeply for almost a year. That sounds
like a good thing, except that I already knew who I was and what I needed
to do and now I had begun disbelieving my own identity.
I still know exactly what I want, even more now. I'm going to ask
them to enter into a sort of partnership with me to measure my hormone
levels to see if the way they change has any correlation to the way my
gender identity changes. I also want to find out what the effects/side
effects/counterindications of anti-estrogens are, so I can know whether to
ask for them. And I want to propose a testosterone prescription for
myself, to be stopped when my voice is low enough for me. I'll have to ask
whether the voice continues to drop after T is discontinued, if they'd
even know. And I want a rogaine prescription - 15% minoxidil cream or gel.
I'm afraid this list will trigger that "we can't just give you
hormones on demand!" button they all seem to have. Like it's some kind of
Crazy Trannie Conspiracy (TM) to overthrow the binary gender system and
they're the only ones who can stop it. Well, they ARE right� except that
our revolution is crucial so that we can go on LIVING.
At least I can say that (1) the SOC don't apply well to me, (2)
they were written for MTFs so they REALLY don't apply well to me, (3) I
have lived as a multigendered person for almost 2 years now, (4) I've
taken andro + rogaine for a year so this is more like increasing my
prescription than anything.
(5) I REALLY want testosterone.
(6) If I've gone through all these denials and public attacks and
so on + still held to what I want and know, that should be proof enough
for anyone without a psychiatric letter of recommendation.
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up into the silence the green
up into the silence the green
silence with a white earth in it
you will (kiss me) go
out into the morning the young
morning with a warm world in it
(kiss me) you will go
on into the sunlight the fine
sunlight with a firm day in it
you will go (kiss me
down into your memory and
a memory and memory
i) kiss me (will go)
e. e. cummings
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