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Aug. 12, 1999 4:00pm

Oh, I feel like I'm going to hurl.

I'm on the shuttle to the BART to the Mission to the queer youth health clinic where at 5:20 I have an appointment to explain my gender identity. It's a big emotional deal even if they understand and work with me to do everything I want, but what's an even bigger deal is dealing with my fear that they'll dump and burn me like other doctors have done. I'm running out of clinics here.

I've been pretty freaked out about doctors ever since I went to the Tom Waddell Transgender Clinic some twenty months ago, poured my soul out tot hem, and was told I was just confused because I wasn't tranny enough for them. Their rejection of me for being multigendered instead of a regular FTM made me question myself deeply for almost a year. That sounds like a good thing, except that I already knew who I was and what I needed to do and now I had begun disbelieving my own identity.

I still know exactly what I want, even more now. I'm going to ask them to enter into a sort of partnership with me to measure my hormone levels to see if the way they change has any correlation to the way my gender identity changes. I also want to find out what the effects/side effects/counterindications of anti-estrogens are, so I can know whether to ask for them. And I want to propose a testosterone prescription for myself, to be stopped when my voice is low enough for me. I'll have to ask whether the voice continues to drop after T is discontinued, if they'd even know. And I want a rogaine prescription - 15% minoxidil cream or gel.

I'm afraid this list will trigger that "we can't just give you hormones on demand!" button they all seem to have. Like it's some kind of Crazy Trannie Conspiracy (TM) to overthrow the binary gender system and they're the only ones who can stop it. Well, they ARE right� except that our revolution is crucial so that we can go on LIVING.

At least I can say that (1) the SOC don't apply well to me, (2) they were written for MTFs so they REALLY don't apply well to me, (3) I have lived as a multigendered person for almost 2 years now, (4) I've taken andro + rogaine for a year so this is more like increasing my prescription than anything.

(5) I REALLY want testosterone.

(6) If I've gone through all these denials and public attacks and so on + still held to what I want and know, that should be proof enough for anyone without a psychiatric letter of recommendation.
up into the silence the green

 
up into the silence the green
silence with a white earth in it

you will (kiss me) go

out into the morning the young
morning with a warm world in it

(kiss me) you will go

on into the sunlight the fine
sunlight with a firm day in it

you will go (kiss me

down into your memory and
a memory and memory

i) kiss me (will go)
 
e. e. cummings

In the waiting room....

NOTE: This journal stretches over ten pages. In case you get lost, the running order of these ten pages is as follows:
dimensions > waitingroom > doctornotes > upshot > epilogue > osento > questioning > happy > input > school

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This Sphere page first resurrected 7/17/07 by Stephe Feldman. Last update: 8/25/07.